Hello? Anyone there?

*cracks knuckles*

It’s been a while, eh?

I wish I was coming here to be like, “Surprise! I finished two books and here they are!” But I’m not. I’m still working on the same two I was working on last time I was here, which is why I haven’t written about it. I’m discouraged with how long it’s taking to finish To Cherish. It’s not taking forever because I don’t have the story in me … it’s that I keep allowing myself to be pulled in multiple directions. Dinner, housework, the kids, the dishes, the occasional anxiety attack that fucks me up for literally days which turns into weeks of no writing because I’m not good at anything (that’s the anxiety talking, btw). To be perfectly honest, I’ve even considered deactivating my social media accounts.

So let me just get all of this out there now … I’m sorry for a million different things and I’m not going to list them all (obviously). I have guilt a mile long about how much I haven’t been writing over the last year and then when I do write I have guilt because I get exhausted and short-tempered with my kids. I won’t buy them McDonald’s or take out every day of the week and I won’t skip dinner with them to write because I value family meals. That shit is really important to me. If sitting down as a family every evening to share a meal means it’s going to take me longer to finish Tommy’s book, then that’s what happens. If watching Moana for the 119th time with my 15-month-old is what she needs me to do instead of writing, I’m going to sit in my living room belting out How Far I’ll Go and You’re Welcome and We Know The Way and you can’t stop me because Moana is my favorite movie these days. Yes, I’m aware I’m 35.

No one has asked me to defend the reasons the book isn’t done, that’s not what this is, but there’s always someone who says they’re waiting for it or can’t wait for it, which I *love* because that means someone still cares, but at the same time it’s depressing to be asked when it’s going to be done. The answer is always, “I don’t know,” or “It’ll be done when it’s done.” It was the same feeling and similar answers I would have and give when people would ask why the baby hadn’t been born yet … well, because it’s a baby, not a loaf of bread that comes out of the oven at a certain time. I keep giving myself writing deadlines, but other shit gets in the way and next thing you know I’m 42 weeks pregnant with a story THAT JUST WON’T WRITE ITSELF. It feels like I need to drop everything else in my life and lock myself in the basement and finish the damn thing when people say they neeeeeeed it. Well, yeah. I neeeeed it, too, because I have no idea what is written until it’s written. I also neeeeeed 12 hours of sleep a night, plus a maid, a nanny, and a personal assistant to help me with things around here.

I’m not going to feel bad for whining about this. That kind of a lie. I mean, yeah, I will feel bad, but I’m going to try really hard to not let myself wonder how hard y’all are judging me. *throws glitter*

On to the important things:

I did a thing last weekend that made me feel not so alone. More than a year ago I filled out an interest form for an author event in Lake George, NY (because it’s close to me) and I didn’t back out. I didn’t let me talk me out of going – I came pretty close several times, though, and I’m glad I didn’t succeed because I would have been really mad at me if I hadn’t gone to Romance on the Lake. I shared a table with the lovely Maria Vickers, I met wonderful people who gave fantastic hugs and made me feel at home. I collected swag, traded business cards, and shared stories about stories. I forced/coerced/begged my best friend to fly to New York from California to be my assistant for the day and she did and she made the process of leaving the hotel to go to the event less terrifying. I wish I could hug her every day. I sold exactly 1 (one) book. I didn’t cry or throw up! It was a successful day.

I’ve already filled out the interest form for next year’s event.

Despite all the crap that keeps getting in my way when I try to write, talking to some of the other authors last weekend renewed my vigor. My need to write feels like it’s rising up and stepping over the want that had crept in to replace it.

I don’t want to finish Tommy Stratford’s story; I need to. His voice is loud.

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5 thoughts on “Hello? Anyone there?

  1. I’ve come to the conclusion that books will be written when books are written. I’m not a mother, however I do babysit quite a bit (yes I know that doesn’t compare to motherhood) I also struggle with a lot of anxiety. So let me just say this. Your priorities are good. It makes me really happy to know that you put your kids first…coming from a stranger that’s weird. (Sorry) And writing is hard. So you’re doing good. You should know that you’re doing good (=
    -Julie

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right. Books will be written when they are written, which is why I’m going to try wicked hard to not compare how (not) quickly I release with others. It’s really hard, but my circumstances differ from everyone else, and everyone else has a different circumstance than the everyone else in their life … or something.

      Do not cut yourself short by saying babysitting doesn’t compare to motherhood. They’re different kinds of stress, but comparable on so many levels. I babysat every single summer through college and grad school, usually five days a week, and when I got my first big girl job I actually said, “This is so easy!” Anything pertaining to kids is hard. And writing while taking care of kids. And life. Life is really hard, so let me assure you that you (a stranger, lol) telling me I’m doing a good job and have my priorities in order means the world to me. Most days I end the day counting the number of times I failed. Tonight, I won’t. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. *HUGS* I love you bunches & bunches & will still be here happy to read Tommy when he’s written. I’m also happy to read the blog when you write. : ) AND I’m SUPER happy to hear you went to the signing! They are so much fun & congratulations on selling a book!! That person is going to love it & then they are going to want to buy another & tell their friends & pick up the stories on kindle & … *grin*
    Anywhoodle! *MORE HUGS* I hope you have a very blessed week!
    Carrie

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad someone is still on board! lol The signing was great – I actually met authors who were just as nervous as I was. When I say nervous, I mean I was walking into the building looking for the exits just in case I decided to run.

      I have no doubts the person who bought Steph and Max will love their story. I’m fairly certain they loved Stella and Brian’s as well. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      • I have to push myself into the room nearly EVERY time I go to a signing – and I’m just there as a fan of delicious flavor! (Yes, Psych reference… which will make sense if you watched Psych…LOL)
        It’s good to know that so many ppl are nervous cuz sometimes that calms everyone’s nerves DOWN. Or at least it’s a theory?! ; )

        Like

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