Nerves and sex and naughty words

In two days a handful of people are going to read something I wrote and it’s starting to sink in that this is real and this is what I’m doing with my life. In less than 48 hours people will have paid for and be able to read the first true creative piece I’ve willingly written with the intention of letting others see it.

It’s nerve wracking.

I mean, there’s sex in there. I wrote a book that has the word “cock” in it and it’s not in reference to a male chicken … and my mom’s best friend and my aunt have already preordered.

And I know for a fact the word “fuck” is in there at least five times. Probably more. I took some of the fucks out. Not all of them. It simply wouldn’t be something I wrote if the F-word didn’t have a cameo. We’ve had a longstanding affair, me and the F-word. But I’m sure someone somewhere, probably related to me somehow, is going to get to the first chapter and be like, “Oh my. I can’t read this,” because of the sex and the swearing and that’s okay. My writing won’t be for everyone. In fact, I hope it’s not for everyone.

There are things about my first book that I know will be considered cliche or something that’s been done before — seriously, it’s romance and romance has been done time and again for decades. Lots of decades. Eventually some are going to remind us of others — and I absolutely expect that. I’m not Stephen King. I never will be.

What I will be, though, is happy if even one person reads this book and feels something. If one single person sends me a message after reading To Have and says they related to the characters on some level, it will make this worth it. Really, when I sit down at my computer and work, I’m digging deep into a well of emotions that sometimes can only be released through writing. It’s cathartic. Even the sex scenes. Then I dive into that well and splash around in it until all those little droplets of hate and love and fear fall down like rain. I hope at least one person feels all of that when they read not just my book, but any book. Every book. If you can’t feel the emotion, the author didn’t do their job.

Since putting up my preorder on Amazon and finalizing my paperback, I’ve been hoping every day that I did my job. That I did it well and someone will feel all the energy that went into each word, each chapter, each character.

I want to do this job well.

Now, since it’s finally finalized and ready to roll, I want to share with you the biggest, most stressful part of this entire process – the full cover for the paperback designed by a friend of mine who is not only an amazing person inside and out, but someone who was willing to try something new to help me out. I think for a first book cover (mine and hers), she did an amazing job and I couldn’t be happier with the final outcome. See for yourself:

To Have blue back cover FINAL

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